Torn between Mom and Dad

When a marriage sours, it is the children who are affected the most. Torn apart, feeling guilty, children of broken homes cope with the trauma in different ways and the effects can be long-lasting.......

A very good article on Children caught in matrimonial disputes.......

http://www.hinduonnet.com/mag/2011/05/29/stories/2011052950030100.htm

Torn between Mom and Dad ...

Balki, 40, married, with two kids and a high-income job, constantly picks on his mother. “You and dad kept quarrelling, not an ideal situation to grow up in,” he charges. “I have what it takes, would have done better if you'd spent more time with me.”

Sayee, 14, whose parents are separated, lives with grandma. “I do all the work,” she complained to her counsellor. She avoids friends since they talk of fun with their families. “What will I tell them?” she asked. A five-year-old, when asked to draw “My family”, drew a couple and two houses. Another, whose mom has remarried, asked in confusion, “Which father's name do you want?”

Somu, 13, answers all questions from his therapist with a nod. His case-sheet says he is quiet and obedient, so why have his grades plummeted? “He is taking the adult role of being responsible and adjusts with the situation — not a happy thing,” his counsellor says.

Psychiatrists and counsellors across the country tell us that among the children sent for counselling, an increasing number are from broken homes. “A new situation needing new approaches,” says Magdalene Jeyarathnam, Director, Centre for Counselling, Chennai, citing the column-hogging Vanitha-Akash case. Baffled by the kid's aversion to mom, the Madras High Court ordered their kid to be seen by a psychiatrist. “Either the child suffered some kind of abuse when he was with his biological mother and stepfather or his biological father tutored the child so well that he is refusing to go with his mother,” said the judge. “The case has posed the greatest challenge... For once I [was] at my wits' end on how to deal with a nine-year-old boy.”

Insensitive parents

Case studies have pieced together what kids go through in unhappy homes. Blissfully unaware of the impact, couples blame each other, raise voices and use harsh language, even as the kid watches helplessly (“Child abuse,” insists Magdalene.) He/She is sucked into the cold war between parents (“Tell dad he's free to do what he wants”/“Is your mom ever home?”), mercilessly co-opted into the frustrations of a crumbling marriage (“If not for you, I would have done it differently. I have to stay with him/her for your sake”.)

If this isn't devastating, there's the painful stretch of the divorce process. For months, the kid is hauled from court to stuffy court. The unkindest cut is when a stranger in a courtroom asks, “Whom do you want, mom or dad?” Once visitation rights are settled, he has to get used to shuttling between homes. Abduction delivers the next punch. The petrified kid is plucked out of familiar surroundings, threatened with unpleasant consequences if he squealed on the parent or forgot the tutored script. “I'll kill you” he's told. Grow up fast and “know” the world, is the message.

The result is psychological damage. “Children carry guilt and shame from a broken marriage,” says Mohana Narayanan, who visits schools to help kids with behavioural problems. “How kids react to the collapse depends on their age, personality and family support.” Less than ten, they may feel responsible for the split. Teens blame the parents. It's loss of face for them to be a product of a broken marriage. The stigma, young adults fear, might dent marriage prospects. “The boy might hesitate to tell his parents that the girl of his choice is from a “dysfunctional” family. He may look past this, but has a problem convincing his parents,” explains Mohana.

Magdalene puts it differently: “A pacifist kid feels responsible, an assertive kid rages, a scared kid withdraws. The effects can be long-lasting.” Prof. Manju Mehta, Psychiatrist, AIIMS, worries about the loss of a sense of security, so essential for a growing child. “A stable family provides bonding and values,” she says. “With separation children miss the feeling of being loved. Both parents contribute to development in toddlers.” What if the mother's earning capacity is less, she asks. “This may affect his self esteem, leading to other emotional or conduct problems.”

Extreme reactions

Psychologist Pratima Havaldar at a Managerial Development Programme, Mumbai, has noticed both extremes in kids from divorced families. “They talk obsessively or decide not to talk on issues related to their parents,” she says. “Some avoid talk of any relationship, with peers, relatives.” What starts as apprehension during the divorce process breaks into aggression, lack of concentration and lowered academic interest, post-divorce. Kids who're too young to understand parental conflict can still sense the atmosphere, and are frightened by the threat to their security. Being dependent on moms, they often regress in behaviour. Step families don't always fill the gaps, she says. Children may feel torn between the parent with whom they live and the one they visit. “Traumatised kids experiment with delinquent activities,” she says.” They become disruptive, pick up quarrels, use inappropriate words, indulge in petty theft.


PHOTO: K. MURALI KUMAR

Spare the child the uncertainty...

Heart-wrenchingly, they try to cope. One kid told the counsellor, “If I choose one the other will be upset, so I begged, ‘ Please stay together, it doesn't matter if you don't talk to each other'.” “Research reveals kids push through emotion-bending situations,” says Pratima. “Impact of divorce is intense in the first two years, but kids learn to carry on.” It is also true that kids breathe easy after separation. Isn't “shanthi” preferable to slanging matches? “Kids love both parents and think, “Ok, let them stay apart. I'll deal with them individually.”

It's complicated, but the healing begins at home. Dr. Sudhir Hebbar, Apollo Hospital, Bengaluru, who's had parents consulting him on kids with post-traumatic disorder, says, “Kids suffer from watching parental quarrels. We do recommend parents stay together for the sake of children, but this is just one consideration.” If a parent substitute is available, the impact of one person's absence will be less, says Dr. Manju.

Opting out is an absolute last resort, says Mohana. “What message are you sending out? Before becoming parents, become partners, build a strong relationship. Realise, kids will be affected when the marriage sours.” Talking to kids whose families are unravelling is very difficult, she points out. Kids tell her, ‘We fight because they fight.' “You can't expect them to resolve their problems sensibly. I tell pre-teens and teens, ‘They're still your parents'. They understand, but find it hard to duck the emotional sledge-hammer.” Continue to be a friend to your ex-partner, so he/she can be a parent, says Magdalene. Be civil, make decisions about the kid together. You have no right to cut the kid off from the other parent, unless there is a physical threat.

Some mums now “prepare” the kids for the impending separation. “My children's picture book, Living With Mom, Spending Time With Dad, takes us through the myriad emotions that two children Stephen and Alex experience during this tumultuous period,” said Madhu. Magdalene flips a colourful children's book to a page with different expressions on a baby bear face. “I ask them to describe the expressions, and kids invariably attribute their own emotions to the faces. “He is crying and crying,” they say looking at a grimace. Reading books on how kids/animals cope can be therapeutic.”

Members of the NGO Children's Rights Initiative for Shared Parenting (CRISP) talk of better legislation. Since India hasn't signed the Hague Convention of Child Abduction, inter-parental child abduction isn't considered a crime here, they point out. They want child custody cases handled by a separate jury under the National Commission for Child Welfare (NCCW) so that they're dealt with sensitively and are disposed of speedily.

We have no say which way the marriage will sail, but couples can be guided by smooth winds, say experts. Magdalene tells of a woman who brought her kids aged 8 and 5 for counselling when she decided to separate. “After the divorce, the boy spent time with the father, got close to him, but worried it might upset mom. I spoke to her, and she said, “Why not? He's your father!” The kid needed to hear this from her.”

Counselling helps

Compulsory counselling for kids in all divorce cases and group sessions with other kids are some of the suggestions. Kids need to be assured that separation does not mean parents don't love them, says Magdalene. “Say it a billion times, ‘It is not your fault, you have a life to live, you have a right to happiness'. Equip him to control what is within his control, but the best gift you can give the kid is to love your spouse.”

The names of children and parents have been changed. Helpline for Centre For Counselling: +91-98847-00164 / +91-98847-00106

Rights of a Father? A case of reverse gender discrimination?

The Family Court system blatantly discriminates against fathers, heartlessly separates them from and prevents their access to their own biological children”, said the newly formed All India Men’s Welfare Association (AIMWA).

As a sign of protest against the Family Court system, AIMWA organised a protest before the Family Courts on Friday at Chennai. Around fifty of its members were distributing pamphlets and campaigning against the system.

AIMWA is an organization formed to protect the constitutional and human rights of men. It fight against gender discrimination, ‘legal terrorism’ and every other form of abuse suffered by men.

M Antony Francis, coordinator, AIMWA told Law et al. News “Indian Family Courts have declared a war against fathers and are adopting every possible means to create a “Fatherless Society”. We concur with the recent observation of the Supreme Court of India that “the Hindu Marriage Act is breaking more families than uniting”. We would like to add that the worst sufferers of the Indian Family Court system are fathers and children”

He further added “Section 498A, framed to protect women from dowry harassment, has become a hot topic of discussion these days due to misuse. As per National Crime Bureau (NCRB), in the year 2007, 187540 people were arrested under Section 498A, of which, the offense could be proven only for 13247 people. 94% of those arrested were found innocent. As per NCRB, in the last ten years there has been a spurt in the incidence of suicide by married men. A law that was supposed to act instrumental in women empowerment and to enable them to speak against their abuse, looks like has today, become a curse for many a families”

“The modus operandi of the Family Courts includes depriving fathers of the right to love and care for their biological children and forcing fathers to pay huge sums of money to support children they are not allowed to see. The Family court system encouraging false allegations of abuse to paint fathers as unfit parents” S Hariharan, General Manager of a Telecom Company, a divorcee himself in Chennai told Law et al. News.

Multiple legal battles by mothers eliminate biological fathers from their children’s lives, lamented another divorcee MP Kalaichelvan, a Civil Engineer. He said that the present system passes ex-parte orders based solely on the allegations made by a child’s mother..It also allow mothers to brazenly disobey visitation orders without legal repercussions to her. Sometimes biological fathers are labelled “kidnappers” for trying to make contact with their own children. Prolonging custody and visitation matters for years, thereby driving fathers into financial and emotional bankruptcy and forcing them to give up the desire to see their children, are the issues of concern to us,” he said.

In its memorandum to the Principal Sessions Judge VRamalingam, AIMWA has prayed “Special fast-track courts should be set up at the earliest to deal with custody issues. Exclusive, fully functioning Divisional Bench should be set up in all High Courts and Supreme Court to hear appeals in matters of child custody’’.

They also said when a person or couple approaches court for divorce, counseling of the parents by professional counselors should be given first priority and except in extreme cases of violence or unhealthy behavior by either partner, children should be given equal and meaningful access to both parents and grandparents on both sides.

The Memorandum further suggested that both parents should made financially responsible for the upbringing of child in proportion to their earnings and not based on demands made by either partner. If a partner prevents a child from having equal and meaningful contact with the other partner, they should be counseled first to understand the importance of equal parenting and the best interest of a child.

“If either partner repeatedly disobeys orders of equal access and meaningful contact with children, then the children should be placed in the full custody of the partner who will allow equal access to the other parent”, the participants demanded in their memorandum.

http://www.lawetalnews.com/NewsDetail.asp?newsid=1478

Memorandum to Family Court on Children's day !

Ref: BF_Memo_Lko

Date: November 13, 2010

To,

The Hon’ble Principal Judge

Lucknow Family Court,

Lucknow (UP)

Subject: Memorandum submitted on November 13, 2010 to practice Shared Parenting and expedite child custody issues in courts, for the cause and welfare of children caught in matrimonial disputes.

Dear Sir,

“Bhavya Foundation”, a non-funded, non-profit registered charitable trust under the aegis of Save Indian Family Movement, dedicated to welfare of children, shared parenting, Women & Men’s Rights, Family Harmony and Gender Equality is submitting this memorandum on a eve before children day November 14, 2010 for the cause and welfare of millions of children like “Bhavya”, who are caught in matrimonial disputes as these children are deprived of love and affection of one parent (mostly fathers).

While most NGOs/Trusts pertaining to children deal with issues related to child labor, health, education etc whereas “Bhavya Foundation” deals with issues related to unquestionable right of children to be cared for by both biological parents.

“Bhavya Foundation” aims and objectives are based on research findings worldwide which indicate that children do best when both parents are actively involved in their lives, even after separation or divorce. “Bhavya Foundation” believes that conflict between parents will be reduced and the mental and emotional health of children will be improved when divorcing parents can be assured of equal and meaningful contact with their children.

Hundreds of Fathers, their family members and several like minded people will be coming forward to donate their blood to make a point that “Baccho ke liye raqt daan hei- maha daan”. We believe that the Children day is the best day to submit this memorandum to your kind authority as a true tribute to first prime minister of India who only once said that “One Father is better than 100 teachers”. The objective of this memorandum is to highlight the issues of children millions of like “Bhavya”, who are caught in matrimonial disputes as they are suffering most as they are deprived of love and affection of one parent mostly fathers.

Neither these children are “Fatherless” nor their fathers are “Childless” and if they are not united it is because of misuse of skewed gender biased laws and delayed child custody matters and biased judicial process who considers fathers as a sperm donors and ATM machine.

Judicial and Law making machinery in our country is biased against fathers and does not recognize the need of children that a child needs love and affection of both parents in all circumstances.

Similar things started happening in and around 1960 in United States of America, where the number of American children without fathers in their lives has quadrupled, from 6 million to more than 24 million. Children without fathers in their lives are five times more likely to live in poverty and commit crime, nine times more likely to drop out of school, and 20 times more likely to end up in prison.

American statistics reports revels some more shocking facts about the children from fatherless homes are:

· 5 times more likely to commit suicide

· 32 times more likely to run away from home.

· 20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders

· 14 times more likely to commit rape.

· 9 times more likely to drop out of high school.

· 10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances (become drug addicts)

· 9 times more likely to end up in a state-operated institution

· 20 times more likely to end up in prison.

· 3 million teenage girls have sexually transmitted diseases

· At least 1 out of 4 teenagers (between 14years to 19years) suffers from sexually transmitted diseases.

Bhavya Foundation demands and appeals to intellectual judicial officers to save our country from becoming another America on such issues and save childhood of millions of children of like “Bhavya”, who are caught in matrimonial dispute.

"Studies have proved now that children who go through their parents' divorce have

· more conduct problems,

· symptoms of psychological maladjustment,

· lower academic achievement,

· Social difficulties and problematic relationships with both parents.

To make matters worse, many parents often influence their children to choose one parent over the other and this adds to their trauma.

On Children Day the demands of Bhavya Foundation are as follows:

1. Child custody issues to be disposed off within 6 months of the date of application, or at least visitation be granted to the non – custodian parent (fathers generally) in two hearings or three months whichever is earlier from the date of application and the granted visitation be of such nature so that it can build a sustainable parent – child relationship between the child (ren) and the non – custodian parent.

2. Judicial process must decide First Child Custody issues before allowing any other relief to any party. The Child shall not suffer in any case because he/she is a child.

3. Give due consideration to the presence of a father in a child’s upbringing not only as a name but also as the natural guardian and also give fathers a fair chance to win custody cases without any prejudice, Fathers are for life, not just for sperms and ATM machine operations.

4. Judicial process must enhance the role of child psychologists and panel of experts to clarify issues such as custody, finance, education and children's upbringing before proceeding with the divorce/separation.

5. Child interviews should be conducted for complex cases only after the child has been allowed to spend nearly equal and quality time with both the parents and such interviews be limited to adolescents only and then too the interview be viewed as a guiding evidence only and not a primary one.

6. Children below the age of seven years should not be exposed to choice making between the parents as the process itself is cruelty to child (ren).

7. The “Parental Alienation” shall be considered as a serious crime and parents indulging in parental alienation shall not be given primary custody in any case as it brings in a lot mental distress to the child and the alienated parent. That "Parental alienation” occurs when one parent disallows the other parent from communicating with their children. The dominant parent then brainwashes the child against the other parent, assuring the child that it is all right to ignore the other parent.

8. Orientation programs for judges of family courts to be conducted by psychologists to sensitize them to child related issues,

9. The courts should have a liberal view on men accused of allegations under section 498a of the Indian Penal Code (45 of 1860) while deciding their child custody cases. An allegedly bad husband need not be a bad father and as the father is the natural guardian of the child, the misfortune of the incompatibility between his / her parents should be prevented from tricking as an impediment into the child’s welfare. Moreover the misuse of 498a by women being a known fact coupled with its low conviction rate, the mere presence of the allegations under section 498a of the Indian Penal Code (45 of 1860) should not act as a deterrent towards passing custody (interim or full) / visitation orders in favor of the fathers if the situation so warrants.

When Indian economy was opened for multinationals no body would have thought the divorce rate of the country will go up exponentially high with size of their pocket. As a result such children of divorcing/divorced parents are suffering most if caught in matrimonial disputes of parents.

Bhavya Foundation appeals to all interested parties to practice and propose joint custody in judicial processes for the best interest and welfare of child as we believe that when two parents are involved:

1. That joint custody is the best outcome for children.

2. That a child needs the support of both biological parents. BOTH biological parents should be responsible for the emotional and psychological well-being of their children, as well as financially responsible.

3. That love and affection of grandparent and extended family plays significant role in overall development of children.

4. That shared parenting fosters shared responsibilities; when parents have equal access to their children parents.

5. That party should resist from using gender biased laws to wreak vengeance on the non-custodial parent.

In light of the above facts and figures, the concept of Shared Parenting needs to be given paramount importance in Child custody matters and wherever possible the judges should emphasize on Shared Parenting or Joint Custody after working out the practical and logistical constraints.

We hope the above recommendations get urgent attention as it is in the best interest of child welfare. We also hope the above recommendations will be taken in the right and positive spirit and truth based justice shall prevail upon the children and their fundamental right to have meaningful and positive access to both the biological parents must be maintained.

Thanks and Regards

For members Bhavya Foundation

Sincerely,

President

Bhavya Foundation

Copy to Chief Justice of

1. Lucknow Bench of Allahabad High Court. Lucknow.

2. Allahabad High Court, Allahabad.

3. Supreme Court of India.

Blood donation on 14th Nov.: Bhavya Foundation

Invitation to participate in our 2nd blood donation camp @ blood bank, KGMC, Lucknow on November 14, 2010 (Children Day) for the cause and welfare of children.

Dear Friends,

We are happy to inform that this year also on the occasion of children day (14th November 2010); Bhavya Foundation is organizing its 2nd blood donation camp @ Blood Bank, KGMC, Lucknow for the cause and welfare of children caught in matrimonial disputes.

“Bhavya Foundation” is registered, non-funded, non-profit charitable trust and it is dedicated for the cause and welfare of children, shared parenting, Women & Men’s Rights, Family Harmony and Gender Equality. We are among the very few organizations working for children caught in matrimonial disputes as we be believe that a child must have equal access to both the parents and only solution for this is shared parenting, which is seldom practiced in our country.

Like you, we do believe that the Children day is the best day to donate blood for the needy children so that more and more children can be saved for life due to some catastrophic diseases.

Like last year this year too we would like to invite you for your blessings and benign presence for the cause and welfare of children.

Kindly accept our invitation and bless us by your presence during the camp.

We remain thankful to your presence and blessings extended to us during our 1st blood donation camp at Blood Bank, KGMC last year on November 14, 2009 (Children Day); where around 40 units of blood was donated.

I am sure our efforts to save many children through such efforts will be appreciated.

Donate Blood and Save a child!

Thanking you in Anticipation.

With Best Regards,

Kamal Vikram & Vikas Parihar
(Founder Trusties of Bhavya Foundation)
www.bhavyafoundation.org
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Event posters are availabler @ http://www.bhavyafoundation.org/events.html and http://www.facebook.com/#!/album.php?aid=25553&id=100001092654112

Requesting other bloggers to blog this event.
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Do you know; how my 7th birthday was celebrated?

I think Papa should have told this earlier that on my 7th birthday that is on August 10, 2010, he walked into the office of Principal, Kendriya Vidyalaya, Rae-Bareli (UP) with a request that Bhavya Foundation, wants to sponsor education of a child for life.

Principal interviewed Papa, understood the cause and appreciate the novel way of celebrating my birthday. Papa could not see me on that day as the judge was on leave and mamma thought not to bring me to the court. Mamma has not understood the emotions of a fatherless child; that I want to celebrate my birthday every year with both parents. It was 2005, when last I celebrated my birthday with both parents. I was only two years old then.

A meeting of some senior teachers and office staff was called. They were happy to meet and listen to papa and his cause.

Based on Bhavya Foundation’s criterions the name of two students was proposed. Both were male child. The first child was of my age, a student of 2nd standard (I also study in 2nd standard); this child has lost his father at a very early age. My father was told that the father of this child was a class IV employee in the same school and the fee of this child is being contributed by teachers association there.

The second child was a student of class-10th, this student has also lost his father in his early childhood. His father was also a class-IV employee of the same school.
Papa interacted with both the children and after meeting them, papa announced that Bhavya Foundation will be taking responsibility to sponsor education of 2nd standard student for life. This child is of my age.

I am not giving name of students as except school administration no one knows about this sponsorship. Both these students and their family do not know that from where their fees are coming.

The fee of both children was paid for year 2010-11. Both children were encouraged to perform better and excel in studies.

The school visit was organized for papa. Papa went to his school’s library, his class rooms, laboratories, playground and papa also addressed the gathering of class-12th students.

After celebrating my birthday like this when my papa reached home, my dadi (grandmother) said “Lagta hai mere bacche bade ho gaye hain”.

Papa, thank you so much for celebrating my birthday in style.

A 498a IPC on Teacher's Day !

India has been celebrating Teacher's Day on 5th September, since 1962. The day commemorates the birthday of Dr Sarvepalli Radhakhrishnan, a philosopher and a teacher par excellence, and his contribution towards Indian education system. Dr Radhakhrishnan believed that "teachers should be the best minds in the country".

On this day, we gratefully remember the great educationist, who else could be better educationist than 498a IPC for a fatherless child. 498a has made me fatherless and my father as childless when we both exist, who else can be better teacher than 498a in this era of "Legal Terrorism" in India.

I hate 498a more than it knows,
I should cut it-in peices,
Giving more pleasure than you'd know,
And thats the first thing I want to do.

Happy Teachers day !

Misuse of Dowry law resulted in death of female child !

I have already said that we children are not concern for NCW, WCD and government as we do not have voting rights.

In the news below a a girl child died in indian jail as her mother was put there in infamous dowry law of india.

Is misuse of dowry law in india good for women and child ?

The good citizen of this country must raise voice against such injustice and violation of human rights.

Read more below;

(http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/kanpur/Delay-in-treatment-costs-Mati-jail-inmate-her-baby/articleshow/6047768.cms )
*Delay in treatment costs Mati jail inmate her baby - Jailed due to 498A*

KANPUR: Lack of necessary and immediate medical facilities at the Mati district jail of Kanpur Dehat cost a woman jail inmate her 18-month-old baby girl.

Suman, a woman inmate and a resident of Kishti Rasoolbad, was lodged at the Mati district jail on February 1, 2010 under dowry act. She was staying in the women's barrack of the jail along with her one-and-half- year-old daughter Disha. On June 6, the child developed fever. In the absence of proper medical facilities at the jail, the child was shifted to district hospital in Kanpur Dehat on June 9, 2010 where her condition deteriorated further. She was later referred to Lala Lajpat Rai hospital but died during treatment in the wee hours of Monday.

The child's maternal grandmother Tara, also at present languishing in the same jail on similar charges, claimed that no immediate arrangement had been made by jail authorities for the child's treatment. As a result, the baby girl died.

"The child was thrice admitted to the district hospital in Kanpur Dehat and every time the hospital authorities did not attend to the child properly and send her back to the district jail," alleged Disha's maternal grandmother Tara.

When her condition worsened again on June 13 that the doctors at the district hospital in Kanpur Dehat finally referred her to Lala Lajpat Rai hospital where she breathed her last on Monday at 4.10 am, the woman claimed.

However, according to doctors of paediatric department of LLR, the death occurred due to high temperature and diarrhoea. The child's kin have demanded necessary compensation for the bereaved mother.

"The girl was suffering from fever and dysentery. On Monday, her condition worsened and she died during treatment," informed jail superintendent SK Suri. He also admitted that Disha had to be rushed to hospital thrice in the past.

The police were awaiting the postmortem report to know the actual cause of death as her family alleged that she had died due to poor medical treatment at the district jail.

Supreme Court's directives:
Supreme Court of India has issued directions to the central and state governments to provide children of women prisoners in jail and their mothers, facilities and opportunity to lead normal healthy life.

Article 15 of the Constitution prohibits discrimination on grounds of religion, race, caste, sex or place of birth. However, it allows special provisions to women and children.

Article 45 stipulates that the state shall provide early childhood care and education to all children until the age of six. Article 47 lays down the raising of level of nutrition and standard of living of people and improvement of public health as a primary duty of the state.

Fact at Mati district jail:
As per the officials, no separate or specialised medical facilities for children are available in Mati district jail. A total number of 34 women inmates, along with their children, are living in difficult conditions and suffering deprivation relating to food, healthcare, accommodation, education and recreation.

Fathers want fair deal-Business Line

Dear All,

Just read a news item on fathers on International Family Day (May 15th).

Follow the link;

http://www.thehindubusinessline.com/life/2010/05/14/stories/2010051450100400.htm

Pasting same news for the ease of readers.

Please feel free to comment.

Nivedita Choudhuri Bhavya is cherubic, with a mass of dark curls that tumble down his forehead and a friendly smile. But the twinkling eyes of the child in the photograph don't mean he hasn't a care in the world. His parents are involved in a matrimonial dispute and the six-year-old hasn't met his father since 2005.

International Day of Families, which is celebrated every year on May 15 to underscore the importance of families, may not mean anything to Bhavya and hundreds of other children like him. Deprived of the love of a parent, they have no option but to suffer silently. But Bhavya's desolate father Kamal Vikram, unable to take it any longer, set up a foundation in his son's name last year to help thousands of fathers facing bleak times like him.

Bhavya Foundation, in the words of its activist-founder, will seek to promote the concept of shared parenting in India and ensure that no child is denied access to a parent in case of divorce or matrimonial dispute between his/her father and mother. It also advocates the speedy disposal of child custody cases in courts so that the agony of the children involved is not prolonged.

The Foundation wants the legislature and judiciary to give all fathers a fair chance to win custody cases. Many dads allege that mothers are often granted custody without evaluating what is best for the child's welfare. Moreover, Vikram says, children below the age of seven should not have to choose between their parents as this would constitute mental cruelty towards the child. Another demand is that orientation programmes for judges of family courts should be conducted by psychologists to sensitise them to child-related issues.

Foundation members call for laws such as Section 498A IPC and the Domestic Violence Act of 2005 to be made gender neutral. Section 498A IPC relates to harassment of a married woman by her husband or his family members and it has been alleged in recent times that this law is being heavily misused. Many of the 1,000-odd members have been charged under this law and the Domestic Violence Act.

Arnab*, a member, found himself in deep trouble after he filed for divorce last year. His estranged wife, who had already charged him under Section 498A IPC, immediately stopped their minor daughter from meeting him. He appealed to a family court, which passed an order allowing him to meet his daughter once a fortnight for two-and-a-half hours. The visits take place on the premises of the family court, where the atmosphere is least congenial. Arnab can't take her out.

Arnab alleges that his wife invariably arrives late for the meetings and she has brainwashed the child to such an extent that the girl has started to believe her father will kidnap her or harm her. She has become aloof as a result and does not trust him. He regrets the fact that “courts are biased towards women and fathers are treated with utter disrespect”.

He adds that the meetings leave him “emotionally drained” and it takes him a couple of days to recover from the snubs and snide remarks of his wife and the rejection and alienation he feels after meeting his child. Arnab wants more time with his daughter and he wants the visits to take place outside the family court and away from the other parent.

Akash*, another member, lost custody of his five-year-old daughter to his wife last year. He has met his child only once in the last 10 months or so and that too for just two hours. He has filed an application to meet her on weekends and in school, but nothing has come out of it.

There have been many hearings and adjournments since then in the family court, but the case is nowhere near its end. He fears that nothing concrete will happen before the court closes for the summer vacation and he won't be able to see his daughter for the next six weeks. He signs off saying even fathers have a heart and love their children as much as their mothers do.

Custody battles on the rise

Another group that supports a greater role for fathers in the lives of their children and the promotion of family harmony is Child's Right and Family Welfare (CRFW). Sandeep Kedia, president of the NGO which was formed in January this year, says divorce cases are on the upward spiral, leading to a sharp increase in the number of child custody battles. Fathers are often denied custody and visitation rights and the children also undergo tremendous emotional trauma when their fathers are suddenly shut out of their lives. Members of the NGO meet every Saturday near the family court at Bandra, Mumbai, where they are given legal counselling. The NGO receives around 50 calls a week (helpline numbers are 9768046667, 9867854147) from harassed fathers locked in custody battles. A member rues the fact that the maximum time a father can hope to spend with his children is two hours every fortnight. That translates into 48 hours or so every year, which is highly insufficient for a father to bond with his children.

Kedia says while granting custody, courts should give the non-custodial parent weekend access to the child at home and a chance to spend festivals and birthdays together. Non-custodial parents should also be allowed to attend school events such as parent-teacher meetings and sports days as well as visits to doctors if their children are ill as both parents are equally responsible for the welfare of their wards. If these decisions are taken early enough in courts, precious time will be saved.

Both Vikram and Kedia reiterate that children need both parents and joint custody is a must. Sole custody signifies child abuse. Innocent children are being used as tools to get even with estranged partners. This is affecting the psyche of thousands of children and the adverse effects of all this will surface when they grow up, add Vikram and Kedia.

The legislature, judiciary and bureaucracy may have turned a blind eye to the plight of these children, but CRFW and Bhavya Foundation are determined to ensure that no child is denied the love of both parents. Mothers nurture, but fathers nurture too, and these dads will not be robbed of their nurturing rights so easily.

* - Names changed to protect identities.

Follow the link;

http://www.thehindubusinessline.com/life/2010/05/14/stories/2010051450100400.htm

Hamara Bajaj !

Hamara Bajaj and outdated 498a IPC Section
Though I am having father but everybody in my school and locality calls me “fatherless”. I was living with my father till the time my Nana (Father of my mother) registered a false 498a case of my father, my grand father, my grand mother and my real uncle. When Police came to arrest; I was playing football (big rubber ball) with my real cousin sister who is 6 months elder to me, in a party hosted by all of them on my “Mundan Ceremony”. I shouted papa-papa but police uncle gave deaf ear to it. I lost my childhood then and nobody is concerned about this.

On 14th November, 2009 (http://www.bhavyafoundation.org/events.html) near to “Sangam Crossing”, Aliganj, Lucknow I had a glimpse of a person who resembled like my father. I think he was my father on Yamaha motorcycle of Yaksh uncle. He stayed there for 5 minutes, blessed me through his eyes and left the place. I am not confident but love in his eyes was conveying the rest. If Court Uncle had wished then I would have got his love and affection also. I miss him badly in my life. But law makers and court uncle do not understand this requirement of a child, may be I do not have voting rights and I am not a vote bank for them.

I do not remember my grand father as I have hardly met him. We were not living together as he was posted in a different city and I, pappa and mamma were living in Delhi (NCR) where my father was working then. But some stories as told by my grand father are still there at back of my mind.

Way back when my father was as young as I am today, the first scooter that my grand father buy was “Hamara Bajaj Scooter-Priya”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEV8MWd1p3M&feature=PlayList&p=80169FA75E5ACCF6&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=2)
and everybody in the family was so excited. It was a very small city, where my grandfather was living and scooter those days use to be a big thing and the party was thrown in the locality. My father was small then and must be thinking what is the point of such a joy.

He came to know the joyous of riding a scooter when first my grandfather took him for a ride. If you are a child living with your father then only you can understand this feeling and unfortunately God is not in my favor and I am fatherless hence can’t feel like you.

Anyway, my grand father taught driving to my father on that “Priya Scooter” only. Fathers are institutions; my father has learned so many things from his father including driving. I do want to learn driving on the same Hamara Bajaj Scooter but first 498a snatched my father and my childhood and now I am saddened to hear that Bajaj Scooters are going to stop production of scooters by March 2010.

http://business.rediff.com/report/2009/dec/09/auto-bajaj-to-stop-making-scooters.htm

The Bajaj management will be stopping scooter production as these scooters are outdated now. After the declaration of CJI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDZiHGBtDXY, President of India, Media Reports and Crpc amendments on 41a (Arrest after investigation and valid reason only) and SIF campaign, the most abused 498a IPC section is also outdated then what is stopping this congress government to take 498a back which has killed childhood of millions of children like me.

I request Mr. Manmohan Singh (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manmohan_Singh) to learn from Mr. Rajiv Bajaj, Chairman Bajaj Auto (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rahul_Bajaj). Hamara Bajaj will be out of market by 30th March 2010, let us see when the same will happen to 498a IPC.

Best Regards,
http://www.bhavyafoundation,org/

“Why say no to elder court uncle……?

“Why say no to elder court uncle……?

The day I heard that there are all women police stations, all women buses and the government is planning to start all women courts for the cause, welfare and justice of women. I am forced to think if above is true for cause of women; then what crime we children have done?

Why can’t we have all children court where children will be the judges to decide on child custody matters?

I have experienced that these elders have not understood that a child need both parents since independent India in 1947. It is these elders only who have first made women and child development ministry and then later allowed women issues to highjack child issues. It is these elders only who are not separating this ministry to work for real child welfare.

Now, I am forced to believe that these elders are not capable to understand children’s requirement and work for child welfare.

It is these elders only because of which we children’s have suffered for decades. It is these elders only who have used as an extortion tool. These elders have failed to understand that we are a child but not extortion or a blackmailing tool. It is these elders only who have treated my father as an ATM machine. It is because of these elders I was called “fatherless” and my father was “childless” for decades.

It is these elders only who have not allowed us to have access to love and affection of father for decades. It is these elders only who think that giving access to father to see child is for the welfare of father and not for child. It is these elders only who have given indefinite multiple dates for decades thinking matrimonial disputes will be over automatically by the passage of time.

One day a big court uncle said in his judgment that I can’t get love and affection of father as there is no female at my father’s house. They fail to see that I wanted love of father not anything else and they focused on everything else except my love towards my father. In last date in my child custody matter court uncle asked my father that what benefit he will get if he will see me? As if meeting child is for welfare of father but not for me. These elder do not recognize my right to have equal time with both parents.

I sincerely believe that these elders have failed to understand the pain of children who are caught in matrimonial disputes. These elders will never understand that a child needs both parents. These elders think that my issues are small. Brothers of my age group understand better that “we may be small but our issues are BIG”.

A child can only understand the pain of other child and I not only want but demand of separate children courts where children will be the judges to decide on child custody matters. I am a child and I understand that a child needs both parents.

If we children were the judges then there would not have been any requirement for rescue brother adithya (http://www.rescureadithya.org/) and no Maqdoom uncle (http://www.saveindianfamily.org/about-us/press-releases/349-candle-light-march-to-commemorate-syed-and-protest-the-judiciary.html) would have ended life for child.

-We do not want elder court uncle to decide child custody matters, we children are better to decide them judiciously-

Thank you !