Torn between Mom and Dad

When a marriage sours, it is the children who are affected the most. Torn apart, feeling guilty, children of broken homes cope with the trauma in different ways and the effects can be long-lasting.......

A very good article on Children caught in matrimonial disputes.......

http://www.hinduonnet.com/mag/2011/05/29/stories/2011052950030100.htm

Torn between Mom and Dad ...

Balki, 40, married, with two kids and a high-income job, constantly picks on his mother. “You and dad kept quarrelling, not an ideal situation to grow up in,” he charges. “I have what it takes, would have done better if you'd spent more time with me.”

Sayee, 14, whose parents are separated, lives with grandma. “I do all the work,” she complained to her counsellor. She avoids friends since they talk of fun with their families. “What will I tell them?” she asked. A five-year-old, when asked to draw “My family”, drew a couple and two houses. Another, whose mom has remarried, asked in confusion, “Which father's name do you want?”

Somu, 13, answers all questions from his therapist with a nod. His case-sheet says he is quiet and obedient, so why have his grades plummeted? “He is taking the adult role of being responsible and adjusts with the situation — not a happy thing,” his counsellor says.

Psychiatrists and counsellors across the country tell us that among the children sent for counselling, an increasing number are from broken homes. “A new situation needing new approaches,” says Magdalene Jeyarathnam, Director, Centre for Counselling, Chennai, citing the column-hogging Vanitha-Akash case. Baffled by the kid's aversion to mom, the Madras High Court ordered their kid to be seen by a psychiatrist. “Either the child suffered some kind of abuse when he was with his biological mother and stepfather or his biological father tutored the child so well that he is refusing to go with his mother,” said the judge. “The case has posed the greatest challenge... For once I [was] at my wits' end on how to deal with a nine-year-old boy.”

Insensitive parents

Case studies have pieced together what kids go through in unhappy homes. Blissfully unaware of the impact, couples blame each other, raise voices and use harsh language, even as the kid watches helplessly (“Child abuse,” insists Magdalene.) He/She is sucked into the cold war between parents (“Tell dad he's free to do what he wants”/“Is your mom ever home?”), mercilessly co-opted into the frustrations of a crumbling marriage (“If not for you, I would have done it differently. I have to stay with him/her for your sake”.)

If this isn't devastating, there's the painful stretch of the divorce process. For months, the kid is hauled from court to stuffy court. The unkindest cut is when a stranger in a courtroom asks, “Whom do you want, mom or dad?” Once visitation rights are settled, he has to get used to shuttling between homes. Abduction delivers the next punch. The petrified kid is plucked out of familiar surroundings, threatened with unpleasant consequences if he squealed on the parent or forgot the tutored script. “I'll kill you” he's told. Grow up fast and “know” the world, is the message.

The result is psychological damage. “Children carry guilt and shame from a broken marriage,” says Mohana Narayanan, who visits schools to help kids with behavioural problems. “How kids react to the collapse depends on their age, personality and family support.” Less than ten, they may feel responsible for the split. Teens blame the parents. It's loss of face for them to be a product of a broken marriage. The stigma, young adults fear, might dent marriage prospects. “The boy might hesitate to tell his parents that the girl of his choice is from a “dysfunctional” family. He may look past this, but has a problem convincing his parents,” explains Mohana.

Magdalene puts it differently: “A pacifist kid feels responsible, an assertive kid rages, a scared kid withdraws. The effects can be long-lasting.” Prof. Manju Mehta, Psychiatrist, AIIMS, worries about the loss of a sense of security, so essential for a growing child. “A stable family provides bonding and values,” she says. “With separation children miss the feeling of being loved. Both parents contribute to development in toddlers.” What if the mother's earning capacity is less, she asks. “This may affect his self esteem, leading to other emotional or conduct problems.”

Extreme reactions

Psychologist Pratima Havaldar at a Managerial Development Programme, Mumbai, has noticed both extremes in kids from divorced families. “They talk obsessively or decide not to talk on issues related to their parents,” she says. “Some avoid talk of any relationship, with peers, relatives.” What starts as apprehension during the divorce process breaks into aggression, lack of concentration and lowered academic interest, post-divorce. Kids who're too young to understand parental conflict can still sense the atmosphere, and are frightened by the threat to their security. Being dependent on moms, they often regress in behaviour. Step families don't always fill the gaps, she says. Children may feel torn between the parent with whom they live and the one they visit. “Traumatised kids experiment with delinquent activities,” she says.” They become disruptive, pick up quarrels, use inappropriate words, indulge in petty theft.


PHOTO: K. MURALI KUMAR

Spare the child the uncertainty...

Heart-wrenchingly, they try to cope. One kid told the counsellor, “If I choose one the other will be upset, so I begged, ‘ Please stay together, it doesn't matter if you don't talk to each other'.” “Research reveals kids push through emotion-bending situations,” says Pratima. “Impact of divorce is intense in the first two years, but kids learn to carry on.” It is also true that kids breathe easy after separation. Isn't “shanthi” preferable to slanging matches? “Kids love both parents and think, “Ok, let them stay apart. I'll deal with them individually.”

It's complicated, but the healing begins at home. Dr. Sudhir Hebbar, Apollo Hospital, Bengaluru, who's had parents consulting him on kids with post-traumatic disorder, says, “Kids suffer from watching parental quarrels. We do recommend parents stay together for the sake of children, but this is just one consideration.” If a parent substitute is available, the impact of one person's absence will be less, says Dr. Manju.

Opting out is an absolute last resort, says Mohana. “What message are you sending out? Before becoming parents, become partners, build a strong relationship. Realise, kids will be affected when the marriage sours.” Talking to kids whose families are unravelling is very difficult, she points out. Kids tell her, ‘We fight because they fight.' “You can't expect them to resolve their problems sensibly. I tell pre-teens and teens, ‘They're still your parents'. They understand, but find it hard to duck the emotional sledge-hammer.” Continue to be a friend to your ex-partner, so he/she can be a parent, says Magdalene. Be civil, make decisions about the kid together. You have no right to cut the kid off from the other parent, unless there is a physical threat.

Some mums now “prepare” the kids for the impending separation. “My children's picture book, Living With Mom, Spending Time With Dad, takes us through the myriad emotions that two children Stephen and Alex experience during this tumultuous period,” said Madhu. Magdalene flips a colourful children's book to a page with different expressions on a baby bear face. “I ask them to describe the expressions, and kids invariably attribute their own emotions to the faces. “He is crying and crying,” they say looking at a grimace. Reading books on how kids/animals cope can be therapeutic.”

Members of the NGO Children's Rights Initiative for Shared Parenting (CRISP) talk of better legislation. Since India hasn't signed the Hague Convention of Child Abduction, inter-parental child abduction isn't considered a crime here, they point out. They want child custody cases handled by a separate jury under the National Commission for Child Welfare (NCCW) so that they're dealt with sensitively and are disposed of speedily.

We have no say which way the marriage will sail, but couples can be guided by smooth winds, say experts. Magdalene tells of a woman who brought her kids aged 8 and 5 for counselling when she decided to separate. “After the divorce, the boy spent time with the father, got close to him, but worried it might upset mom. I spoke to her, and she said, “Why not? He's your father!” The kid needed to hear this from her.”

Counselling helps

Compulsory counselling for kids in all divorce cases and group sessions with other kids are some of the suggestions. Kids need to be assured that separation does not mean parents don't love them, says Magdalene. “Say it a billion times, ‘It is not your fault, you have a life to live, you have a right to happiness'. Equip him to control what is within his control, but the best gift you can give the kid is to love your spouse.”

The names of children and parents have been changed. Helpline for Centre For Counselling: +91-98847-00164 / +91-98847-00106

Rights of a Father? A case of reverse gender discrimination?

The Family Court system blatantly discriminates against fathers, heartlessly separates them from and prevents their access to their own biological children”, said the newly formed All India Men’s Welfare Association (AIMWA).

As a sign of protest against the Family Court system, AIMWA organised a protest before the Family Courts on Friday at Chennai. Around fifty of its members were distributing pamphlets and campaigning against the system.

AIMWA is an organization formed to protect the constitutional and human rights of men. It fight against gender discrimination, ‘legal terrorism’ and every other form of abuse suffered by men.

M Antony Francis, coordinator, AIMWA told Law et al. News “Indian Family Courts have declared a war against fathers and are adopting every possible means to create a “Fatherless Society”. We concur with the recent observation of the Supreme Court of India that “the Hindu Marriage Act is breaking more families than uniting”. We would like to add that the worst sufferers of the Indian Family Court system are fathers and children”

He further added “Section 498A, framed to protect women from dowry harassment, has become a hot topic of discussion these days due to misuse. As per National Crime Bureau (NCRB), in the year 2007, 187540 people were arrested under Section 498A, of which, the offense could be proven only for 13247 people. 94% of those arrested were found innocent. As per NCRB, in the last ten years there has been a spurt in the incidence of suicide by married men. A law that was supposed to act instrumental in women empowerment and to enable them to speak against their abuse, looks like has today, become a curse for many a families”

“The modus operandi of the Family Courts includes depriving fathers of the right to love and care for their biological children and forcing fathers to pay huge sums of money to support children they are not allowed to see. The Family court system encouraging false allegations of abuse to paint fathers as unfit parents” S Hariharan, General Manager of a Telecom Company, a divorcee himself in Chennai told Law et al. News.

Multiple legal battles by mothers eliminate biological fathers from their children’s lives, lamented another divorcee MP Kalaichelvan, a Civil Engineer. He said that the present system passes ex-parte orders based solely on the allegations made by a child’s mother..It also allow mothers to brazenly disobey visitation orders without legal repercussions to her. Sometimes biological fathers are labelled “kidnappers” for trying to make contact with their own children. Prolonging custody and visitation matters for years, thereby driving fathers into financial and emotional bankruptcy and forcing them to give up the desire to see their children, are the issues of concern to us,” he said.

In its memorandum to the Principal Sessions Judge VRamalingam, AIMWA has prayed “Special fast-track courts should be set up at the earliest to deal with custody issues. Exclusive, fully functioning Divisional Bench should be set up in all High Courts and Supreme Court to hear appeals in matters of child custody’’.

They also said when a person or couple approaches court for divorce, counseling of the parents by professional counselors should be given first priority and except in extreme cases of violence or unhealthy behavior by either partner, children should be given equal and meaningful access to both parents and grandparents on both sides.

The Memorandum further suggested that both parents should made financially responsible for the upbringing of child in proportion to their earnings and not based on demands made by either partner. If a partner prevents a child from having equal and meaningful contact with the other partner, they should be counseled first to understand the importance of equal parenting and the best interest of a child.

“If either partner repeatedly disobeys orders of equal access and meaningful contact with children, then the children should be placed in the full custody of the partner who will allow equal access to the other parent”, the participants demanded in their memorandum.

http://www.lawetalnews.com/NewsDetail.asp?newsid=1478

Hamara Bajaj !

Hamara Bajaj and outdated 498a IPC Section
Though I am having father but everybody in my school and locality calls me “fatherless”. I was living with my father till the time my Nana (Father of my mother) registered a false 498a case of my father, my grand father, my grand mother and my real uncle. When Police came to arrest; I was playing football (big rubber ball) with my real cousin sister who is 6 months elder to me, in a party hosted by all of them on my “Mundan Ceremony”. I shouted papa-papa but police uncle gave deaf ear to it. I lost my childhood then and nobody is concerned about this.

On 14th November, 2009 (http://www.bhavyafoundation.org/events.html) near to “Sangam Crossing”, Aliganj, Lucknow I had a glimpse of a person who resembled like my father. I think he was my father on Yamaha motorcycle of Yaksh uncle. He stayed there for 5 minutes, blessed me through his eyes and left the place. I am not confident but love in his eyes was conveying the rest. If Court Uncle had wished then I would have got his love and affection also. I miss him badly in my life. But law makers and court uncle do not understand this requirement of a child, may be I do not have voting rights and I am not a vote bank for them.

I do not remember my grand father as I have hardly met him. We were not living together as he was posted in a different city and I, pappa and mamma were living in Delhi (NCR) where my father was working then. But some stories as told by my grand father are still there at back of my mind.

Way back when my father was as young as I am today, the first scooter that my grand father buy was “Hamara Bajaj Scooter-Priya”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEV8MWd1p3M&feature=PlayList&p=80169FA75E5ACCF6&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=2)
and everybody in the family was so excited. It was a very small city, where my grandfather was living and scooter those days use to be a big thing and the party was thrown in the locality. My father was small then and must be thinking what is the point of such a joy.

He came to know the joyous of riding a scooter when first my grandfather took him for a ride. If you are a child living with your father then only you can understand this feeling and unfortunately God is not in my favor and I am fatherless hence can’t feel like you.

Anyway, my grand father taught driving to my father on that “Priya Scooter” only. Fathers are institutions; my father has learned so many things from his father including driving. I do want to learn driving on the same Hamara Bajaj Scooter but first 498a snatched my father and my childhood and now I am saddened to hear that Bajaj Scooters are going to stop production of scooters by March 2010.

http://business.rediff.com/report/2009/dec/09/auto-bajaj-to-stop-making-scooters.htm

The Bajaj management will be stopping scooter production as these scooters are outdated now. After the declaration of CJI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDZiHGBtDXY, President of India, Media Reports and Crpc amendments on 41a (Arrest after investigation and valid reason only) and SIF campaign, the most abused 498a IPC section is also outdated then what is stopping this congress government to take 498a back which has killed childhood of millions of children like me.

I request Mr. Manmohan Singh (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manmohan_Singh) to learn from Mr. Rajiv Bajaj, Chairman Bajaj Auto (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rahul_Bajaj). Hamara Bajaj will be out of market by 30th March 2010, let us see when the same will happen to 498a IPC.

Best Regards,
http://www.bhavyafoundation,org/